Growing up without a role model

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In all honesty it felt like shit.

I have a biological mum, I have a biological sister. I know them, they know me. But I don’t truly know them and they truly do not know me.

I grew up my whole life without a motherly figure, without a sisterly figure. It’s one of the hardest challenges I face even to this day.

At the age of 5 I remember my Dad struggling to tie my hair.

At the age of 8 I remember my first crush. I had a step sister who I told everything. She was like my real sister. She still is to this day. But there is nothing like wanting to tell your big sister things like this.

At the age of 10 I remember the first time we moved far away from my mum and sister. I remember being confused and yearning for them. I remember wanting a motherly hug, or a sisterly talk. I remember waking up in the middle of the night in Porirua and wondering how they were.

At the age of 11 I remember my first day of being a “sister-mum”. My brother and I were split from both our parents. Crying. I told him everything would be ok. I remember feeling protective.

At the age of 12 I remember how uncomfortable it was going through puberty. It was the worst experience.

At age of 13 I remember having my first kiss. I had no idea back then. I hadn’t been taught. Are we supposed to be taught?

At age of 14 I fell in love and I never even knew what it was.

At age of 15 my father left and my sister mum kicked in again. I had no idea how to take care of a home, let alone myself and my brother. I remember crying myself to sleep almost every night.

At age of 19 I still struggle with the challenges of being a woman.

 

Now that I think of it. I had all the role models anyone could ever ask for. My Aunty Shirleanne showed me how to be a sister. My Grandmother taught me how to protect myself as a woman. My cousins taught me how to dress like a lady. My step sisters showed me what a sister was. My step mum gave me love. My Aunties on the Coast showed me a mother I will forever be grateful for.

 

My mum is an amazing woman. My mum just isn’t the type of mum I ever want to be. But I love her and thank her everyday for making me who I am.

 

Love and light to you all. My sisters holding it down! Xox.

Teeny boppa lovin’

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Good old after school bus kisses, cute facebook profile pictures and compliments on being the “cutest couple out”.

E-Yes high school relationships are ALL that they seem. Kissy kissy, huggy huggies. Teen love is amazing. But is it really love? Do we know love?

I spent 3 years of high school day dreaming in teen love life land. Don’t get me wrong I remember some of the best times of my life…

But did I grow?

Grow in the way a teenager is supposed to…however that may be.

Did I just “join” the trend of young relationships?

Would I go back and change it all?

Or was I really in love?

I was only fourteen when I thought I fell “in love” with my partner. He was an amazing boy. Clever, smart, funny and sensual. He made me feel things no one made me feel. Back then I thought he was “the one”. Whatever the one means.I loved him…well at least I thought I did.

 

But as we got older…in teenage years the ignorance of love became arduous. I found myself crying over little things, getting hurt from a simple “hello” to another girl. He started to make me feel things I had never felt before. Pain, sorrow, hurt over the simplest of things. It was all so confusing at the age of 15. But we still “loved” each other. Well at least we thought we did.

Minutes, hours, days, months and years passed and I still think back and wonder what I would have done different if I wasn’t in so called “love”.

I became insecure, uncomfortable, agitated and jealous at things that didn’t even matter. At the age of 16 I felt all these things and now that I think back I wonder if it was worth it.

But did I grow? To answer my own question, I did grow. I grew emotionally. I was and am able to understand how emotions make you feel. I wish I grew literally (lol). I grew in the way in which I was able to mature in a different way. And for that I am thankful. I grew in a way in where I learnt how to say no because that is always important.

Grow in the way a teenager is supposed to…however that may be. But did I grow in a way a teenager is supposed to? Mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically (LOL again)? Mentally yes in a way. Spiritually no because it hurt more than it felt good. Emotionally yes. Physically yes in a way but no in the purest of ways. To be honest, I wish I had waited.

Did I just “join” the trend of young relationships? Yes. I sure did. It was the “trend” then and is still the trend now. Is it a problem? Probably not but if we were taught how to love or even about love then maybe it would be easier. I’m unsure, just rambling on.

Would I go back and change it all? No I wouldn’t. He was probably one of the best things that happened to me in those years. Literally saved my life. But would I change the way in which I went about some things? I sure would. I’d change the way we handled each other both emotionally and physically. I’d be more respectful of each other. I would focus more. Focus on school, focus on family, focus on loving, focus on giving.

Or was I really in love? I sure was. I fell in love with him because he loved me more than I loved myself.

Tips and advice? Love yourself, take care of yourself, be yourself. Don’t change for anyone else. Young love is real but young love is dangerous. Education, family and yourself first relationship second. You have all your life to love.
Love and light teeny boppa lovers. Stay safe out there x.

She doesn’t even need us

12278808_512681558906247_7287550476481009092_n.jpgMy hands are stained with the blood of my mother.

My nose has been polluted with the stench of her beauty.

My eyes have seen the pain she suffers as we watch and preach this nonviolence campaign towards her.

My body has been clothed with the sense of her mahanatanga.

I, am a hypocrite.

I speak of this no-drilling yet I am a user of the production. I speak of this no tree chopping yet I am guided by the warmth of it’s produce. I, am a hypocrite.

I speak of this pollution free sea yet you still see me downing food from the killer itself we call plastic. I, am a fake.

I call myself a kaitiaki of Papatuanuku yet each day as I am cruising in my car on these man made wounds we call roads. I, am an abuser.

I call myself a descendant of Tāne yet I’m daily ripping pages filled with mistakes and unknown answers. I, am a waster.

I call myself a protecter of Tangaroa yet each day as I bag the daily rubbish. I, am an offender.

I, am a hypocrite. If this is me and if this is you, we, are hypocrites. We, need, solutions.

Year 13 makes your mind go WHAT

10408609_448748618632875_5166919918868435070_nYear 13. If you’ve been there you may know what I mean. If you haven’t, read this and it may give you some clarity on why your mind is like WHAT when you get there.

You know what I’m talking about. The year nearly everyone around you asks what your plans are for next year, how’s school going, what your marks are like, blah the blah the blah. Now I don’t mean this in a way to down education because education is amazing and important. But it seriously is a hard stage in some of our schooling lives. WHAT.

You know what I’m talking about. The year you may try to impress everyone, or even apply to uni for things you truly don’t want to do, the year you try and live up to others expectations on who you should be. Ya feel me? If you do keep reading. If you are like ‘what the heck is she going on about’ you are amazing and do not need to read my long bore of a blog.

When I was Year 13 I wanted to be a doctor, a scientist, a director, an actor, a presenter, heck I even contemplated the dole. I applied for uni, I got offered jobs but none of them truly fancied me. My mind was like WHAT.

But then I had the job offer of my dreams. It was the perfect job for me. Everything was in place. But then I had priorities and things changed and my mind went from WHAT to WHAT THE F!@#$. Honestly.

Straight after the kura with priorities I had to get a job that kept my priorities intact. Thankfully enough I worked at my kura for 7 months. With priorities still intact my tumuaki helped me get a job in Media. Something I love doing. And I’ve been there ever since. I’m studying Media, I work in Media and quite frankly I love it.

If you are still bored you’d be still reading and know that I am saving for Uni. I plan on going to Waikato. To study what? I’m not too sure. I just know. I want to further myself in education.

Tips to survive Year 13? Passion. Be passionate. If you want to be an artist be a damn artist! If you want to be a writer write away. If you want to be a doctor doctor away. Lol ok yeah that last part didn’t make sense I’m not sure this blog did. But honestly you seriously can do whatever you want to. Do not let other peoples expectations get in your way. You could maybe use it as advice because let’s be honest sometimes only others see our best qualities right?

My last tip? Be prepared. Be prepared for the big wide world. Be ready. But have fun. Dream big. Set goals. Stay focused (ok that was more than one). But really? BE YOU .

Love and light blog nation.

What do you title a blog

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I was so inspired on what blogging was so I decided to do it myself. It’s probably going to be boring, long and pointless but it sounds time consuming and I love it. This year is a year of journey for me but I’ll share part of it with you! I have a goal of $10,000 which is more achievable than I thought. At the beginning of the year I figured out how I was going to achieve that…well that was a big fat fail and it went all out the window lol. So now I put my savings into my Uncles account ($300 p/week).

But just to give you guys a realistic look into my funds I’ll share a little more. Oh and I’m saving for Uni next year lol.

 

I pay rent which sucks but everyone needs a roof over their head it’s $100 a week.

Power too cos I love Criminal Minds and you need TV for that so that’s $50 a week.

SKY because well MY SKY is great and I love GARAGE and the BOX and Haka’s of course and that’s $25 a week.

My brothers school fees because he likes to buy school uniform like they fall out of the sky and that’s $15 a week.

Koha to a kaupapa I love which is $10 a week.

And I pay off this thingy which we shall not dicsuss what this thingy is but it is $93 a fort night. I’m thinking of upping these payments to pay it off faster.

Food because well duh ‘FOOD’ I spend like $150-$200 a week. I live with 3 men so bare with my long receipt lol.

Oh and gas because like how do you go anywhere lol and that’s like $100 or so a week.

+ the $300 a week I put into savings.

Expenses: $450-$500 p/week + $93 p/fortnight. Savings: $300 p/week.

 

If I had any tips it would be to budget. Honestly it’s so easy! I know not much 19 year olds have the income I have or the responsibilities I have but whether you earn $20 a week or $200 a week. Budgeting makes it so much easier.

Another tip would be to make do with what you have. Trust me. I’m the online shopper from way back (ask the lady at the shop with all my boxes lol). Do you really NEED that seventh pair of shoes? Probably not so instead of paying $50 on your shoes put it in ya savings or in your uncles account like me.

Make your lunch. Seriously if you work, go to school or uni. Make your lunch. I use to buy coffee and pancakes (faaaa) haha everyday and my uncle made me figure out how much that was in a year. It’s like $2000. Seriously. Amazing huh!!

Last tip would be to set small goals e.g March = $200 and December = $10,000. No matter the goal always aim higher. The more you save the more you want to save.

 

Love and light all my money savers. That sounded too gay. Lol pomarie.