These probably ain’t blogs…but what even is social norm

My partner asked me tonight ‘did anything amazing happen today’. I would usually say something about the famous person I interviewed, or something spectacular I felt I done.
But no, my answer was. “Yup. I woke. I am living.”

For me that was an awesome thing. At work I met two amazing rangatahi from around the world who are apart of the YWAM kaupapa. They go into communities around the world and serve out of the kindness of their hearts. Now if I can take an excert out of a couple of notes they left with me “Life is more than work and money and acceptance from the people around you.”

Now I would never in a day blame the way I am for the acceptance of others but I will and would say that I was the way that I was to be accepted by others. I felt that I needed to paint my canvas with the wring shades in order to be the painting that I thought I needed to be.

Their korero only made me realise and help me to better on my days of giving. 364 days to go…geez how fast hehe.

Now my highlight of the day (pic) was seeing my mother in law in her garden. It has taken her 6 years to revive it but it just made me happy. To see someone who has had a hand in raising many people do something for herself and literally watch the fruits flourish. I look forward to one day dipping her strawberries in chocolate sauce or maybe even a fresh salad.

But for now I sit in comfort knowing that even though there are weeds with bad roots bigger than my thighs the foundations of the garden still remain the same…and when you too are ready to start your garden fresh. I hope it brings you comfort too 

Mauri ora & pomarie.

The hardest lazy lyric poem I ever wrote

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I wrote this piece on the morning of your passing. 1:43am was when I found out…
These are the songs and albums of Judy Mowatt mushed together for healing sake. I feel it describes you…and my moko to nan relationship.
Big woman, black woman
Down in the valley
Got to leave the West
Kings of Kings many are called on your mark
Only woman put it on sisters chant
Slave queen think strength to go through
Trade winds love is overdue
Guilty
Now let’s sing our own song
This is what I really wanted to share on your night of final goodbyes but ego got the better of me. To death goes ego. Guilty.
I love you, I miss you.

I legit have $25.24 r/n

 

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Hello land of Moerangi’s minimal blog readers.

So I thought I would give you all an up to date of the first ever blog I originally posted. The best thing I have ever did in my life financially was save with one of the most trust worthy men I know, my uncle. The worst thing I have ever done for my “wants” was save money with my uncle lol.

I legit have $25.24 to my name at the moment #ballin but I couldn’t be any happier!

These past few days I have just been full on planning my future with random brain spurts (lets hope), dreams and ideas.

Back to money saving lol. It really isn’t all it is cut out to be. I mean you don’t just put $300 away a week and after 6 months you are a millionaire. Heck no. It is a whirl wind of trials and errors. You really do need to budget in the mishaps and the miscellaneous cos trust me they happen.

Here is an update of my payment schedule.

  • $100 p/w Rent
  • $50 p/w Power
  • $150 p/w Food
  • $80 p/w Gas
  • $25 p/w SKY
  • $10 p/w School Fees
  • $10 p/w Kaupapa
  • $75 p/mth Wi-Fi (duhh gotta get dat wiiiifiii whanux)
  • $93 p/fortnight (on something dumb that I shouldn’t have done LOL)

And usually I put in $300 p/w to my savings account (with my uncle) but for the past month I have been skipping those payments because I didn’t plan for the mishaps. My car needed a warrant and then it spiraled downwards from there haha.

In all honesty it was embarrassing. Especially when I thought I saw myself as a financially stable for a person my age.

But don’t ever be too proud to admit it rangatahi ma! Straight up (or is it just me who doesn’t lol). But really in all seriousness don’t. It can seriously kill your ego (for some that is a good thing). Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Are you getting me yet or should I keep on nagging?

So what I done is jumped onto sorted.org.nz and re-evaluated my calculator on there. For some you may want to tell an aunty or ask a budgeter. Just do something that helps and works for you.

Anyways I am getting sick of myself. Imagining if I was reading this I would be telling the author to shut up. So, bye lol.

Bay all day

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Ever realised that you live in one of the most beautiful places in the world but you truly don’t know that…in a way.

Have you ever swam in your river but that’s the only part you’ve ever explored?

Have you ever taken a photo of your maunga but that’s the only angle you’ve ever seen it from?

Have you ever lay in your wharenui looking up at the kowhaiwhai, ran your fingers across the tukutuku, looked at the pou but that’s the only understanding you have of them?

Have you ever??????

I challenge you. Honestly I challenge you. One day go a little further up your awa, climb your maunga just a little higher, spend more time in your whare and get to know your tipuna a little more.

There is no better feeling than feeling like you have somewhere you belong. And why do you belong? Because you truly know who you are. You know the mountains your tipuna lived on, you know the rivers that they drank from, you know the art form that they are now.

You know.

You belong.

Hoki ki o maunga

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There’s something about climbing maunga that I don’t enjoy.
The pain your body suffers.
The amount of times you have to push yourself.
The never ending nearly there moments and the struggle.

But ohhhhhhh there’s something about climbing maunga that gets me all excited.
The journey, 
the climb, 
the view,
the feeling,
and the accomplishment.

I liken climbing maunga to the journey in life. Only just last night I hit rock bottom. My maunga didn’t feel worth it anymore.

I couldn’t take the pain I was suffering.
I didn’t want to push myself anymore.
I felt like I was nowhere near the top.

Let me tell you something about climbing maunga.
The journey is beautiful so keep on keeping on.
The climb is hard but you will get there.
The view is worth it so look a little further.
The feeling is exhilarating just wait and see.
The accomplishment?  That’s nothing. Look at your journey you soldier.

Keep on climbing. In the words of the once wise Hannah Montanna. Now she is so dopey so don’t listen to her words..lol.

There’s always gonna be another mountain.
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb…

Hoki ki o maunga kia pure ai nga hau a Tawhirimatea…

Growing up without a role model

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In all honesty it felt like shit.

I have a biological mum, I have a biological sister. I know them, they know me. But I don’t truly know them and they truly do not know me.

I grew up my whole life without a motherly figure, without a sisterly figure. It’s one of the hardest challenges I face even to this day.

At the age of 5 I remember my Dad struggling to tie my hair.

At the age of 8 I remember my first crush. I had a step sister who I told everything. She was like my real sister. She still is to this day. But there is nothing like wanting to tell your big sister things like this.

At the age of 10 I remember the first time we moved far away from my mum and sister. I remember being confused and yearning for them. I remember wanting a motherly hug, or a sisterly talk. I remember waking up in the middle of the night in Porirua and wondering how they were.

At the age of 11 I remember my first day of being a “sister-mum”. My brother and I were split from both our parents. Crying. I told him everything would be ok. I remember feeling protective.

At the age of 12 I remember how uncomfortable it was going through puberty. It was the worst experience.

At age of 13 I remember having my first kiss. I had no idea back then. I hadn’t been taught. Are we supposed to be taught?

At age of 14 I fell in love and I never even knew what it was.

At age of 15 my father left and my sister mum kicked in again. I had no idea how to take care of a home, let alone myself and my brother. I remember crying myself to sleep almost every night.

At age of 19 I still struggle with the challenges of being a woman.

 

Now that I think of it. I had all the role models anyone could ever ask for. My Aunty Shirleanne showed me how to be a sister. My Grandmother taught me how to protect myself as a woman. My cousins taught me how to dress like a lady. My step sisters showed me what a sister was. My step mum gave me love. My Aunties on the Coast showed me a mother I will forever be grateful for.

 

My mum is an amazing woman. My mum just isn’t the type of mum I ever want to be. But I love her and thank her everyday for making me who I am.

 

Love and light to you all. My sisters holding it down! Xox.

Teeny boppa lovin’

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Good old after school bus kisses, cute facebook profile pictures and compliments on being the “cutest couple out”.

E-Yes high school relationships are ALL that they seem. Kissy kissy, huggy huggies. Teen love is amazing. But is it really love? Do we know love?

I spent 3 years of high school day dreaming in teen love life land. Don’t get me wrong I remember some of the best times of my life…

But did I grow?

Grow in the way a teenager is supposed to…however that may be.

Did I just “join” the trend of young relationships?

Would I go back and change it all?

Or was I really in love?

I was only fourteen when I thought I fell “in love” with my partner. He was an amazing boy. Clever, smart, funny and sensual. He made me feel things no one made me feel. Back then I thought he was “the one”. Whatever the one means.I loved him…well at least I thought I did.

 

But as we got older…in teenage years the ignorance of love became arduous. I found myself crying over little things, getting hurt from a simple “hello” to another girl. He started to make me feel things I had never felt before. Pain, sorrow, hurt over the simplest of things. It was all so confusing at the age of 15. But we still “loved” each other. Well at least we thought we did.

Minutes, hours, days, months and years passed and I still think back and wonder what I would have done different if I wasn’t in so called “love”.

I became insecure, uncomfortable, agitated and jealous at things that didn’t even matter. At the age of 16 I felt all these things and now that I think back I wonder if it was worth it.

But did I grow? To answer my own question, I did grow. I grew emotionally. I was and am able to understand how emotions make you feel. I wish I grew literally (lol). I grew in the way in which I was able to mature in a different way. And for that I am thankful. I grew in a way in where I learnt how to say no because that is always important.

Grow in the way a teenager is supposed to…however that may be. But did I grow in a way a teenager is supposed to? Mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically (LOL again)? Mentally yes in a way. Spiritually no because it hurt more than it felt good. Emotionally yes. Physically yes in a way but no in the purest of ways. To be honest, I wish I had waited.

Did I just “join” the trend of young relationships? Yes. I sure did. It was the “trend” then and is still the trend now. Is it a problem? Probably not but if we were taught how to love or even about love then maybe it would be easier. I’m unsure, just rambling on.

Would I go back and change it all? No I wouldn’t. He was probably one of the best things that happened to me in those years. Literally saved my life. But would I change the way in which I went about some things? I sure would. I’d change the way we handled each other both emotionally and physically. I’d be more respectful of each other. I would focus more. Focus on school, focus on family, focus on loving, focus on giving.

Or was I really in love? I sure was. I fell in love with him because he loved me more than I loved myself.

Tips and advice? Love yourself, take care of yourself, be yourself. Don’t change for anyone else. Young love is real but young love is dangerous. Education, family and yourself first relationship second. You have all your life to love.
Love and light teeny boppa lovers. Stay safe out there x.

She doesn’t even need us

12278808_512681558906247_7287550476481009092_n.jpgMy hands are stained with the blood of my mother.

My nose has been polluted with the stench of her beauty.

My eyes have seen the pain she suffers as we watch and preach this nonviolence campaign towards her.

My body has been clothed with the sense of her mahanatanga.

I, am a hypocrite.

I speak of this no-drilling yet I am a user of the production. I speak of this no tree chopping yet I am guided by the warmth of it’s produce. I, am a hypocrite.

I speak of this pollution free sea yet you still see me downing food from the killer itself we call plastic. I, am a fake.

I call myself a kaitiaki of Papatuanuku yet each day as I am cruising in my car on these man made wounds we call roads. I, am an abuser.

I call myself a descendant of Tāne yet I’m daily ripping pages filled with mistakes and unknown answers. I, am a waster.

I call myself a protecter of Tangaroa yet each day as I bag the daily rubbish. I, am an offender.

I, am a hypocrite. If this is me and if this is you, we, are hypocrites. We, need, solutions.

Year 13 makes your mind go WHAT

10408609_448748618632875_5166919918868435070_nYear 13. If you’ve been there you may know what I mean. If you haven’t, read this and it may give you some clarity on why your mind is like WHAT when you get there.

You know what I’m talking about. The year nearly everyone around you asks what your plans are for next year, how’s school going, what your marks are like, blah the blah the blah. Now I don’t mean this in a way to down education because education is amazing and important. But it seriously is a hard stage in some of our schooling lives. WHAT.

You know what I’m talking about. The year you may try to impress everyone, or even apply to uni for things you truly don’t want to do, the year you try and live up to others expectations on who you should be. Ya feel me? If you do keep reading. If you are like ‘what the heck is she going on about’ you are amazing and do not need to read my long bore of a blog.

When I was Year 13 I wanted to be a doctor, a scientist, a director, an actor, a presenter, heck I even contemplated the dole. I applied for uni, I got offered jobs but none of them truly fancied me. My mind was like WHAT.

But then I had the job offer of my dreams. It was the perfect job for me. Everything was in place. But then I had priorities and things changed and my mind went from WHAT to WHAT THE F!@#$. Honestly.

Straight after the kura with priorities I had to get a job that kept my priorities intact. Thankfully enough I worked at my kura for 7 months. With priorities still intact my tumuaki helped me get a job in Media. Something I love doing. And I’ve been there ever since. I’m studying Media, I work in Media and quite frankly I love it.

If you are still bored you’d be still reading and know that I am saving for Uni. I plan on going to Waikato. To study what? I’m not too sure. I just know. I want to further myself in education.

Tips to survive Year 13? Passion. Be passionate. If you want to be an artist be a damn artist! If you want to be a writer write away. If you want to be a doctor doctor away. Lol ok yeah that last part didn’t make sense I’m not sure this blog did. But honestly you seriously can do whatever you want to. Do not let other peoples expectations get in your way. You could maybe use it as advice because let’s be honest sometimes only others see our best qualities right?

My last tip? Be prepared. Be prepared for the big wide world. Be ready. But have fun. Dream big. Set goals. Stay focused (ok that was more than one). But really? BE YOU .

Love and light blog nation.