In all honesty it felt like shit.
I have a biological mum, I have a biological sister. I know them, they know me. But I don’t truly know them and they truly do not know me.
I grew up my whole life without a motherly figure, without a sisterly figure. It’s one of the hardest challenges I face even to this day.
At the age of 5 I remember my Dad struggling to tie my hair.
At the age of 8 I remember my first crush. I had a step sister who I told everything. She was like my real sister. She still is to this day. But there is nothing like wanting to tell your big sister things like this.
At the age of 10 I remember the first time we moved far away from my mum and sister. I remember being confused and yearning for them. I remember wanting a motherly hug, or a sisterly talk. I remember waking up in the middle of the night in Porirua and wondering how they were.
At the age of 11 I remember my first day of being a “sister-mum”. My brother and I were split from both our parents. Crying. I told him everything would be ok. I remember feeling protective.
At the age of 12 I remember how uncomfortable it was going through puberty. It was the worst experience.
At age of 13 I remember having my first kiss. I had no idea back then. I hadn’t been taught. Are we supposed to be taught?
At age of 14 I fell in love and I never even knew what it was.
At age of 15 my father left and my sister mum kicked in again. I had no idea how to take care of a home, let alone myself and my brother. I remember crying myself to sleep almost every night.
At age of 19 I still struggle with the challenges of being a woman.
Now that I think of it. I had all the role models anyone could ever ask for. My Aunty Shirleanne showed me how to be a sister. My Grandmother taught me how to protect myself as a woman. My cousins taught me how to dress like a lady. My step sisters showed me what a sister was. My step mum gave me love. My Aunties on the Coast showed me a mother I will forever be grateful for.
My mum is an amazing woman. My mum just isn’t the type of mum I ever want to be. But I love her and thank her everyday for making me who I am.
Love and light to you all. My sisters holding it down! Xox.